Ahhhh voting day. How you sicken me.

Hi Stephen,

Election, politics, ad nausea, etc., blah blah blah.  I haven't watched any of the polling results at all today, I just feel sick to my stomach about it, nervous, and anxious....so there's no point in continuing that awful feeling by sitting in front of the t.v. all day long.  I'll wait until tomorrow for the final results.
I just hope that all my prayers to God have been answered, and Obama continues as our President.

If not, well then I guess God hates women.  Hey, it's a plausible theory.  Ya never know...the whole EVE thing in the Bible and such.

I hope you went out and voted today.  (I'm sure SOMEBODY took some YouTube footage if you did, God knows that's pretty much a given).   I don't know who you voted for, but I'm gonna imagine that it's Obama...mostly because Neal Schon played for the Republican Convention, and you are the exact polar opposite of him.  So, it's a plausible theory that I'll stick with just to humor myself, if you don't mind.  I like you better that way, knowing we see things the same politically.

Anyway, I did vote today, as did my mom.  The house guest we have living with us, however, (Simon) is registered in Ohio, but didn't bother to get an absentee ballot or anything, so he didn't bother to vote at all.  Kinda pisses me off.  He's originally from England, so he abhors the US election process.  Doesn't think it matters one way or the other.  And since he's going through a turbulent divorce, he probably doesn't like women very much right now either, so he'd probably vote against Obama anyway, so it's probably a good thing he didn't bother.  Again, another plausible theory, and one that makes me like him better that way.

As for Pete, well, who knows how he voted.  He will not reveal it to anyone, not even me.  I do know that we do NOT see eye-to-eye on political stuff, however, nor do we seem to see things the same in other areas of our lives lately, either.  In fact, I get the sad feeling that we are on totally different wavelengths, and there's a gnawing feeling in the back of my mind that I may have made a huge mistake in believing otherwise.  We are just very different people.

Tonight, for example, I met Pete at a local restaurant for a "munch" meeting, of TNG'ers (The Next Generation young kinky people....who don't know their own ass from a hole in the ground)....and older "kinksters" mixed together, as a "Bridge Group."  Clever, huh.  Pittsburgh has a lot of bridges ya know.  And telling vanilla people that you're going to a "Bridge Group" sounds quite harmless and boring.  Sooooo, that's just one of the many facades of the kink community that keep vanilla people out of it.

However, as I expected, there were more 20-something's than anything else.  I'm so sick of 20-something's, I could puke.  Wouldn't take much, either, with my nervous stomach today.  I have never been a social butterfly.  I stand back, observe, analyze, and then possibly start a conversation with someone I consider worthy.  Ya know?  I don't like wasting my energy, or my vocal chords, on people I have virtually nothing in common with.  I don't like yelling at the top of my lungs in a bar area, either, especially with 20-something girls who are hugging, and squealing and giggling like hyena's all over the damned place.

So Pete strikes up a conversation with these 2 kids, Nathan and Crystal, who seem nice enough, but apparently one drink in her, and Crystal is suddenly "drunk."  Yeah, you know the type.  Stupid.  I saw so many girls in their 20's FAKE being drunk from one drink, it just totally disgusts me every time.  Anyway, so she's all giggly and silly and cutesy, and I just wanted to grab her by the hair and shove her down the stairs.  I don't know where that feeling comes from, really, but she annoyed the fugg outta me.  But of course, Pete is enamored and chit-chats with them both for awhile.  I remain silent, however, because another couple comes walking over (older than these 2 but younger than us), and they are talking about "when I was young, I did some stupid drunk shit in high school..." and Pete chimes in with stupid stuff he did in college when he drank to excess.

I, unfortunately, was always the designated driver.  I have nothing at all to contribute to the conversation.  Pete says it appears that I am snubbing people when I don't chime in, but WHAT IS THE POINT of saying ANYTHING, when I have never been stupid drunk before in my entire life?  I could have simply said, "I was always the designated driver. Never been drunk. Never been stupid either."  But, you see, in my opinion, THAT would have been a bit snarky or rude.  So, I say nothing, I just nod and smile, and think to myself, "wow, really? this is what we people talk about nowadays? this is what occupies our time and our energy at a social event?"

I thought it was supposed to be a KINKY event, so why not talk about FLOGGING, or WHIPS, or LEATHER, or BONDAGE, ROPE, implements, pervertables-----SOMETHING INTERESTING.  Oh yes, there are such things as "pervertables."  Walk into any dollar store on the planet, and you will find some awesome things that you can play with in a kinky way.  For example, the most obvious one is a plastic spatula, as a spanking paddle.  TAH DAH!  Yep, that's what you call a pervertable.  Anyway, there are classes actually taught about such things, believe it or not.

So while they are all comparing stupid drunk stories from bygone days of their misspent youth, I'm yawning and wishing I were somewhere else.  It was like hearing my best friend Laurie reminisce about high school days.  I have some nostalgia for that time in my life, too, sure, but NOT MUCH.  I want to have intelligent conversations about important things, that actually matter.

Maybe you've felt that way too, at a swanky black tie event, where snobby people are standing around patting each other on the back for being rich.  It's kinda the same sort of feeling, of "get me the hell outta here and as far away from these losers as possible." Ya know what I mean?

The point that ended the entire evening for me, when I finally just shut down completely, was when this older dude says, "Yeah, this election man, we're either gonna end up with another STALIN or another HITLER."

Blink.  Did he just say what I THINK he just said?  Really?  Did I hear him right?  Yes, yes I think I did.  I think I heard him say those very words, and with absolute authority of being an expert about it.

This is NOT a button that people should push with me.  Seriously.  Just do not go there.

Needless to say, I very nearly grabbed my coat and stormed out at that point, I was so disgusted and upset.  Pete didn't even blink an eye, or look my way at my face---which was probably contorted in disgust and anger.  NOBODY SHOULD EVER COMPARE ANYONE TO HITLER, FOR ANY REASON, EVER!!! This idiot wasn't even BORN when those men were in power, and he has NO CLUE how totally OFFENSIVE that is, to me, and to every Jewish person on the face of the planet.  Do NOT minimize Hitler or the Holocaust by comparing him to any modern politician, because THERE IS NO COMPARISON.  ABSOLUTELY NONE.

All that shows is colossal ignorance, and it repels me....it makes me sick.  I cannot, in good conscience, socialize with stupid people who say such ignorant, flippant remarks like that.  The audacity of such an ignorant remark stuns me, and makes my blood run cold.  I want to get as far away from that person as possible, and never see him or her again as long as I live.  I want absolutely NOTHING to do with that person, and I had nothing more to say after that point.  I put on my coat, paid our check, and waited for Pete to say his goodbye's.  I was done.

Maybe I'm just too cantankerous for my own good, I don't know;  I just know that if I have nothing in common with people in a group like that, I have no need and no desire to be there.

One thing that annoyed me was, before I met Pete there, we talked on the phone----AGAIN arguing about why I want to buy a new couch----despite my exasperated, "Haven't we HAD this discussion at LEAST FIVE TIMES lately?! What the HELL don't you UNDERSTAND about it?"  Then I feel like I'm talking to a 5 year old child...."You have said yourself, that you do not like sitting on a vinyl or leather couch because you sweat and get all sticky...(he wears shorts year round)...and you said yourself that your FAT ASS SON sat on it and BROKE IT, so why the HELL do you want to keep a piece of furniture that you won't sit on, and that is broken?! Can't we just AGREE that we need to replace it, and move on?!!"

His first wife would yell "stop the car!" every time she saw a piece of discarded furniture on the side of the road, or at the end of someone's driveway, and would make their son go out and get it, and put it in the van to take it home.  Pete told me that he hated that, and so did his son.  So WHY would he want to KEEP a piece of BROKEN FURNITURE?!  It makes no goddamned sense to me at all.

He just doesn't want to spend the money on something that I want for our HOME.  I'm trying to be a goddamned HOMEMAKER, but without his "approval" for the financial part of it, I am stymied at every turn.  It's feeling just like I'm working for the federal government again...."Here, go do your job, but wait, we'll thwart you whenever you try to do your job, we'll prevent you from getting anything done, but go do your job anyway."  That is EXACTLY how it feels to me.  I hated it then, and I hate it now.

So I suggested we go to this munch, have a bite to eat, and socialize a bit, and then LEAVE around 8 or so, to go to the department store to look at an oversized recliner chair that I think Pete would like, that are on sale.  However, after pacifying me with "whatever you say dear," kind of attitude, when 8:00 came, he was too busy flirting to even notice.  This passive aggressive "Gee I forgot" bullshit, really rubs me the wrong way.  He knew that's what I would have enjoyed doing, but he didn't care.  As long as HE was having fun, MY comfort level doesn't matter one bit, and MY wanting to do something else wasn't important to him at all.

This is what saddens me.  His true colors are now starting to shine through, crystal clear, and frankly I don't really like him very much when he does this shit.  He even tells me that "I deserve better."  Yeah, ya think?  I kinda agree with that, actually.

Here's the typical Pete conversation......I say to him, "What do you think about this idea, I could move my old furniture from the other sitting room into this bigger living room, and switch the black couch and chaise lounger out, since we don't really use that smaller room much."  Here's what he said back to me tonight about it, "You SAID you were going to switch furniture around..."  NOOOOOO, I pointed out, that is NOT what I said.  I ASKED if he would sit on my old stuff, or not, if he would like it in the bigger room, or not, and that it was just an IDEA that I asked him what he THOUGHT about it, to which he didn't really answer.  But, selective hearing is Pete's hobby.  He does this ALL THE TIME.  Then he says that he doesn't understand why I just want to throw away furniture that we've only had for a little over a year, and I said, "LOOK, I have OWNED this living room set of mine for 20 YEARS.  I do NOT just throw things away unless they are BROKEN or are not FUNCTIONAL, and frankly I am offended by you accusing me of something that you know goddamned well is NOT TRUE, nor has it ever BEEN true about me."

I sometimes wonder if he knows me at all.  I'm a packrat.  I keep things too long.  I don't throw them out ENOUGH.  But yet he tosses that accusation at me like it's the gospel truth from the lips of God himself.  I stand there, utterly amazed at him when he says something that is definitely NOT an accurate description of who I am.  It's almost like he's had this very same argument BEFORE, with ANOTHER WOMAN IN HIS LIFE before I came along, and he's reliving it in his head or something.

So we didn't go look at the recliner chair like I wanted to, and every time he does this kind of thing to me, it hurts my feelings.  He comes over to me at one point and says, "So you're the wallflower, sitting over here all by yourself, ignoring everybody again."  No.  Actually, I was checking Facebook to see what the election results were saying, while finishing my plate of food, and drinking my water.  I wasn't IGNORING anyone.  I was simply doing my own thing, because he was off in a corner somewhere else without me, and there was nobody AROUND ME to talk to anyway.  But, this is the kind of thing that keeps me feeling agitated, because to be wrongly accused of something just annoys me to no end.

Pete is quick with accusations.  I've noticed that lately.  He likes to turn the table too, a lot, stating something like, "well I wouldn't have done or said blah blah blah if YOU hadn't done or said blah blah blah..." as though whatever the issue was, is suddenly MY fault.   It's MY fault that HE did or said whatever he did or said, because of something I did or said.

This, in my opinion, is the behavior of a child.  I was kinda hoping I married a Dominant MAN, but apparently I got a sniveling, whining, bratty child instead.  Where is the incentive, then, for me to want to have SEX with such a juvenile human?  I am REPELLED by that behavior, and I want nothing to do with him during those times.  Nothing.

Ah well, complaining to you doesn't really solve anything, I know.  Marriage just isn't what it's cracked up to be, and I knew that going in.  I knew that he and I were from 2 different worlds, and that I was more mature than he was, too.  Yep, I knew all that, and still went ahead with the wedding.  Now I'm wondering if perhaps this gap I'm noticing between us will only get bigger and worse with time.  The couch is not the issue at hand.  The issue behind the argument about getting a new couch is the problem.  The couch thing is simply one symptom of a bigger problem that is not being dealt with, and that is MUTUAL RESPECT, EQUALITY, and BEING UNDERSTOOD.  Those are things that I desperately need from a man, but lately I feel like Pete is not able to, or simply won't, provide for me.

So my needs are not being met.

And if somebody is not enhancing your life and building you up, then they are only dragging it down, and that means they are dead weight hanging around your neck, which only brings stress and upset, and has to eventually be cut loose.

I wonder sometimes if that's what Pete wants to happen.  When we first met, we had both been through some tough times on our own, and we promised that we would be good to each other, no matter what, because nobody else was....(echoes of your song, "Be Good To Yourself").   But lately, the world seems to revolve all around Pete, and I'm only on the sidelines, as he goes off to be with other women in a dungeon, or goes to their homes to give them massages for 6 hours....yeah...this has been happening lately, and it makes me feel sad.  I don't get massages for 6 hours.  I don't even get SEX when I need it, even when I ASK HIM for it.  All I say is, "I need a little bit of the gushin'," but half the time he just ignores it, or forgets about it, and all I can do is lay there dreaming about Peter, or vibrators, or having sex with someone else.

Tonight, the world might change.  We might have an asshole for a President for 4 long miserable years.  I don't think I can endure 4 long miserable years with an asshole for a husband on top of that.

So that's my life in the nutshell at this point.  Aint' life grand.  Oh, one thing I meant to mention to you, there was a baby girl born today in Michigan to a friend of mine (her sister actually), and they named her JOURNEY LYNN.  I thought that was pretty cool.

Well, goodnight for now. I hope that Obama wins, but I'm off to bed without looking up any polls, because frankly all my hope and faith in humanity will be completely lost (again) if Romney wins.

Bye for now. Love, Rebecca