Read this...please...it is the first email exchange that I had with my ex-boyfriend, Peter. He still haunts me, to this day. He still invades my dreams. He still keeps me awake at night. He still makes me cry.
PETER: obtaining what you need is the next step. knowing that you can be understood means that it is not as difficult as you thought (or feared) to find what you need
ME: ....but you can't give me what i need....
ME: ...and you seem to be the only one who knows...
PETER: no i can't. if I was a player I could play you completely and use you. I could make you feel incredible things Becky. and you would ultimately be more hurt by me than by nearly anyone else simply because I can strip your psyche down to your naked soul. but I refuse to hurt you and will not hurt you that way. ever.
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When I read this, I still hear his voice inside my head, as though he never left it. He most definitely HAS hurt me more than anyone else ever could...he most definitely HAS stripped me down to my naked soul. And he definitely DID hurt me, deeper than I've ever been hurt by anyone in my entire life.
Five years later, it still hurts. He still haunts me. He's still in my head. He has ruined me.
......and because of this, now I realize that I am a total failure as a wife, to Pete.
I've been crying all night long.
Pete told me earlier tonight, after we had sex, that he tried to email Peter, to tell him that we are doing well. He told me that he also that asked Peter to contact me again.
I am still in shock about this.
I feel horrible that I made my husband---a man who loves me more than anyone ever has---to feel the need to do this. He wanted me to be happy. He thought this would help do that.
Then he said, "the email bounced back, undeliverable. The email address no longer exists."
I told Pete I knew that, and it hasn't existed since I first moved here in 2008.
He didn't know that. I never told him. He thought I could write to Peter anytime I wanted to, with that same email address that I always used. It was the only email address he knew of.
Then I told him that was the reason why I felt the urge to contact Peter's son at college to ask for his new email address so that I could contact him again...and THAT is what made Peter so angry at me.
You see, Pete never knew that either. I never told him.
He sat silent for a moment and then said he now understands better why Peter reacted so harshly towards me then. He said I scared him by doing that.
I simply said, "I will not be ignored. I was angry. I was hurt. I wanted him to know that. What else could I have done?"
Last week, Pete asked me if I wanted to sell our house and move back to DC, with him, to start a new life there and be happy living near my friends again. I told him that it wasn't very realistic, or practical, that the culture shock would be too much for HIM to deal with, that the cost of living would suck, his job wouldn't let him work from home all the time, and if they DID he would drive ME nuts being home all the time. Then I added, "Besides, would you REALLY want me to be living closer to Peter like that? The temptation would be very difficult for me to ignore."
I am such a failure at marriage. I really truly am. I knew I would never be any good at it.
I have to go.
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