Not sure what to do...

Hi Steve,

Sorry I had to end so abruptly last night.  I didn't want Pete to see what I had written to you.

The thing is, he apparently loves me SO MUCH, that he thought it would make me happy if he told Peter (my ex) that he could contact me again, and we could renew our friendship.

I don't know how or why Pete got this into his head, I'm not sure what I did or said to contribute to the idea, but apparently I must have mentioned Peter more times than I ever thought I did.  I mean, I don't tell Pete when I have a dream about Peter...which I do...at least once a month or more...and I don't tell Pete when I have days that I think about him, and sometimes nights too, that keep me awake.  I just keep those things to myself, because what good would it do to mention it?  What's the point?

I don't want to hurt anybody.  Ever.  But I feel like I have hurt Pete somehow, to make him go to such an extent like this.  I really have NOT handled this situation very well, and I don't know what to do to rectify it.

The sad truth of the matter is, Peter does not want anything more to do with me, simply because I freaked him out by contacting his son at college to ask for his new email address.  I did it discreetly, though---I don't want to hurt Peter either---so I told his son that I had once worked with his dad, and that I would like to send him a quick hello.  I got no questions, I got no chit-chat, just an email address response from his son, and so I wrote to Peter to tell him how much he hurt me.

That's when he told me if I ever contact him or his family members again, he would get a restraining order against me.  I'm sure he viewed my actions as being "stalker-ish" or something, but I really wasn't doing that at all.  My anger unfortunately, at that time, motivated me.  I felt that he was IGNORING me by deleting his email address and changing his phone number, and frankly I'm NOT the type of person who will be ignored, especially when I have some choice words to say in response to the way he hurt me like he did.  It wasn't fair, for him to completely dump me cold like that, without knowing WHY.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is, it boils down to the sad fact that I am a rotten wife, I don't seem to know how the hell to do this domestic bullshit, I don't deserve a husband like Pete who goes to such great lengths to try and hook me up with my EX like that, "to make me happy."

I guess I just haven't told Pete enough that I am happy.  I don't really know if I am, half the time.  I don't know what I feel most of the time, anymore.  I just feel numb.

That's why I had a crying fit....but I had it in the shower, so Pete wouldn't know.  I acted like it was no big deal, but told him that I was a bit shocked, and that it would NOT make me happy to be in contact with Peter again----not the way things are.  If he didn't loathe me so much, perhaps a friendship COULD be renewed, but I don't know.  I blew it, though, and that's just the way it is.  He hates me.  Nothing Pete ever says, writes, or does will change the mind of Peter.

I just wish I could get him out of head, ya know?  He was the best Dominant a woman could ever want or need, and I had the greatest sex of my entire LIFE with that man, I would have done ANYTHING for him.  I loved him more than the sun and the moon.  But, he was right...his words in that first email still burn my ears every time I read them.  He used me and hurt me more than any other person ever could.  Five YEARS after the fact, I am still hurting.

I think that is why Pete did what he did.  Or, at least, tried to do.  He knows I am still hurting from it.

There have been times when I wanted to contact Peter's wife and spill the beans about our affair....or just send her all the emails that he and I wrote back and forth, in a big box, with "MERRY XMAS" written on it.  The vindictive revenge thing really never was my style though.  I just couldn't do that.

I mean, I was Peter's submissive for nearly 3 years, ya know?  How could his wife NOT know what was going on when he would leave work and come stay with me until midnight during the week?  Or those days when he and I both took the day off work to spend the entire day together....those were really REALLY nice days...how could ANY woman NOT KNOW???

Anyway, that is a moot question, it doesn't matter.

What matters is, I realized last night that I am a failure at marriage, I'm a loser when it comes to communicating that I am happy with Pete in our life together, and despite the attempt that Pete has grasped at least SOME understanding of me, (as skewed and fucked up as I am), at the same time, I feel like I'm not worthy of his attention and I'm not worthy of being in this relationship, I don't deserve someone who loves me as much as he does, I am stupid, I am thoughtless, I am dysfunctional, I am imperfect, and the absolute worst thing......

I'll never be who or what Pete wants me to be.

So that's why I bawled my eyes out last night.

I have to go for now.  I'm really just fried at this point.  Pete said, "It just feels like....an unresolved conflict...and I wanted to help resolve it for you."

He breaks my heart.  Both men have broken my heart.  And I'm the idiot who caused it all.

---Rebecca