Trouble sleeping…lots on my mind.

Hi Steve,

Yeah, crazy ain't it….I am wide awake at 7:30 a.m. on a SUNDAY morning?!  Actually, I have been up since 5:15.  I haven't been sleeping very well lately.  I think it's just that we have been rushing around busy everywhere for the past couple weeks, my brain hasn't had enough time to process everything and turn itself off.

For example, on our 4th wedding anniversary (and Xmas Eve), December 24th, Pete came to me and asked me if I might consider giving him a "hall pass" (to have sex) with our friend Judy.  I also heard him say that "he loves her in a different way than me."  In fact, I was so incredulous, I repeated those two things back to him, asking if he really just asked me that on our ANNIVERSARY, or was I wrong?!

Yeah…..he's got some great big cahones doesn't he?!

So, apparently I did hear those things come out of his pie hole, and frankly it kinda had me worried.  I mean, I have never been the jealous type.  I have YET to find a man WORTHY enough to make me want to fight over him.  No offense, my friend, but men just aren't worth the hassle of fighting over.  In fact, I have enough self-esteem to know that I could find many other men to have sex with if I really wanted to.  It wouldn't be hard.  Just mention that I teach a blow job class, and watch them come running. That's really all it would take.

So Pete is interested in "polyamory."  I, however, am skeptical about it.  I have been in the BDSM scene for 15 years, and in those 15 years, I have seen several (half a dozen?) poly relationships hit the skids HARD because the people involved either didn't communicate well, didn't see things the same, or weren't at the same maturity level to handle it.  It takes a very special type of person to be poly, and make it work long-term.

I just think Pete is trying to run before he walks.  Know what I mean?  I have been very patient with him, giving him time to learn things, take classes, find out what his interests are, and work on honing his skills in a dungeon.  I have encouraged him, I have been right beside him giving him advice and ideas, helpful hints, etc.  I am NOT an "expert" but I am a lot more experienced in this stuff than he is. Luckily, Pete is not the type of insecure guy to feel intimidated by that.  He has welcomed it, so far.

I have voiced my concerns about poly from day one.  He knows it is not something I take lightly, nor would enter into on a whim.  Now, we have only JUST started to explore a swingers club, in recent months….and I'm really not into it.  I think, maybe, if I attended a nicer club somewhere else, with a nicer mix of people….who are more educated, and less high school party-snobs, I might enjoy it more. But the feeling inside that place is high school soap opera bullshit, frankly, and I am not interested.

So this polyamory thing….well, I've known Judy for a long time, before Pete even came along.  We haven't exactly been best friends, but we have always been friendly and have chatted many times here and there. I have always liked her.  She is a genuine person who is intelligent, feisty, and talented.  We seem to share a lot of similarities (according to Pete), but we are also very different in some ways.

Judy loves the theater.  Pete has performed in plays all his life, and in community theater.  She sings in a choir. Pete sang in his high school choir, and sings karaoke, as well as on stage in plays.  She bursts into songs from musicals whenever something is mentioned along those lines, and Pete joins in.  I, however, come from a rather poor background and didn't go to the theater in high school, didn't participate in a choir (though I was in marching band, pep band, and got a lotta blue ribbons at state competitions).  I do sing---and I enjoying singing---but I only do it when I'm alone, in my car, or at home.  I don't sing in front of people.  I don't think I'm good enough.

So, compared to Judy and Pete, I have never performed in a play, I have very little knowledge of musicals, or the artists who create them.  The only person I really KNEW was Marvin Hamlisch, and that's only because he was the conductor of the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra for many years, and Pete took me to the theater to hear them a lot.  I loved Marvin.  I loved all the songs he wrote.  I loved his stories of meeting Barbara Streisand and other celebrities, of being the dorky Jewish nerd kid who had to practice piano in the 50's while all his friends were out having fun doing 1950's stuff.  I felt like I really knew Marvin, and I genuinely loved him.  He was awesome.

But, I had a personal investment of learning about him during the past 5 years of actually seeing him, being in the same room with him at fundraisers, watching him play the piano, Q&A sessions after concerts, etc.  If something or someone becomes personalized for me, I am more likely to learn more and feel passionate more than usual about that person or thing.  Sondheim? Not so much.  Sure, I've seen the guy's face, but really I know very little about him.  I enjoy his music though.  Rogers and Hammerstein? YES, they are very awesome too…but again, I know nothing about them, nor have I memorized songs from their films.  I can, however, sing "Memories," by Marvin, pretty well I think.

I also know a lot about old movies, and some of those are musicals, but not many.  I never really understood the musical genre very much, but I love the 1930's-1940's musicals and choreographed dancing. I love Judy Garland.  I adore Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.  They mesmerize me.  I love Myrna Loy and William Powell in the Thin Man series.  I love Humphrey Bogart.  I love Katherine Hepburn.  I'm truly full of useless trivia about old movie stars, because I am a Turner Classic Movie addict.  I even love XM Sirius radio, which Pete just bought for me for Christmas.  I love Frank Sinatra, Etta James, Ray Charles, Ella Fitzgerald, Sarah Vaughn, Mahalia Jackson, BB King, Bing Crosby, all those crooners from the 40's and 50's.  I love Elvis Presley, the Beatles, and all sorts of music.  For awhile there, I even loved Journey.

GRIN!!  (Still love you though…not really into the "new" Journey anymore).

My point is, I'm NOT just an uneducated loser who knows nothing about that artsy fartsy theater stuff.  But, I am not anywhere NEAR as into it as Pete and Judy are.

I guess Judy reminds me of what I like to refer to as "the DC me."  I'm sure you understand, Steve, how a person morphs throughout their life. You're not the same guy you were at 25.  I'm not the same chick I was when I lived in DC either.  Or Michigan for that matter.  I have morphed into someone I barely know….a homemaker, housewife, non-working, blog-writing, bored, shop-aholic pack-rat.  In college, I was a nymphomaniac who got A's and B's, I had 3 jobs and no car (rode my bike everywhere), and I typed other student's papers or washed their laundry in exchange for rides to the store or night club, etc.

Like Judy is now, I was much tougher in DC, because I had no choice.  I was a Michigan guppy swimming with sharks.  A small town schlub who thought I could change the world somehow.  I was determined, feisty, and ready to put my mark on the universe.  I devoted my life to Holocaust education.  I thought I could make a difference.  Judy is like this, too.  She works at National Geographic.  She used to work at AOL.  She's pretty damned smart.

However, I am no longer "the DC me."  I have since learned that it was all just a silly illusion of youth. We all fall for it, don't we. Some of us believe the illusion longer than others.

The reality of my life is, I didn't make a mark on anything or anybody.  I didn't teach anyone anything.  I didn't change the world.  On 9/11, I lost my determination to care for other people and do good things for them.  I hated people, as a matter of fact, and became bitter, angry, hostile, rude, and just plain bitchy.  My attitude was, "Fine, I've been flappin' my jaws in the middle of Fubar City for 6 goddamned years, and you assholians come along and just blow up the fucking World Trade Center anyway!!  Didn't anybody LEARN from HISTORY that hatred can lead to prejudice, stereotypes, oppression and GENOCIDE? What the FUCK have I been trying to DO with my stupid life, all this time, while you shitheads were sitting in that cave in Butt-Fuck Egypt, making your bombs and planning your terrorism?! Go blow yourselves up, you fucktard bastards, blow us ALL up, I don't care!! You fuckers aren't WORTH MY TIME to try and save!! I hate you all."

And I developed road rage.  I listened to heavy metal music and SCREAMED along with it in my car.  I was no longer "nice."  And I didn't give a shit.  My heart hardened quickly, and I hated the world and everybody in it.  From that point on, I was not the same person. (pardon all my cursing up there, but that's really how I was then).  I know, it wasn't pretty. What can I say? I'm not perfect.

My point is, now, all these years later, I'm not the same as THAT person anymore….thankfully.  I didn't like me very much then.

Judy lives in DC, she just bought herself a tiny efficiency condo, that she is very proud of.  She won't buy furniture or anything until she saves up for exactly the item she wants, no matter how long she has to go without it.  She sleeps on a mattress on the floor because the bed she wants is not in her price range right now.  She is very frugal.  She is very responsible.  She is very involved in the Jewish community in DC.  She has never been married, she has no kids, and she has bad luck with dating.  She considers herself a "bottom," but NOT a submissive.  She'll argue with you about the differences in those two things for hours if you let her.  She knows how to cook….way better than I do….we share the ability to enjoy solitude, we can be quiet for hours, and we both mean what we say and say what we mean.  She is also a perfectionist (I am too in some things), she is a planner like Pete is.

And she is someone my husband apparently wants to have sex with too.

And so here I am, with voices in my head keeping me up at night.  Pete is currently in DC with Judy right now, actually, because he wanted to go see a play with Patrick Stewart and Ian McClellan on Broadway, and he just assumed I wouldn't be interested in going.  He never really asked me though.  I probably would have liked it, but he knows I am not a big fan of being in large crowds of people.  Since 9/11, I really have panic attacks if I'm in the middle of too many people, because in the back of my mind, there is always ONE ASSHOLE walking around with a ticking time bomb in his nap sack, and with MY luck he'd be standing right next to me, ready to detonate.

Pete took me to Times Square. I was petrified.  I was overwhelmed.  I was scared to death.  I went to a Penguins hockey game once with our friend Lisa, at the Consol Energy Center, and I had to go HIDE in the BATHROOM most of the night because those Pittsburgh sports fans are fucking INSANE.  They are violent, they are loud, they are into fights, and I'm just not any of those things.  They scared the bejeezus outta me.

Judy isn't as afraid of that stuff.  Pete has no fear about anything.  They share a reckless sense of adventure, without really thinking things through.  Like, for example, I told Pete day before yesterday that the governor of New York declared a state of emergency due to all the snow, and he might want to call ahead to see if the play was still going to be performed or not, before he got on the train to go there.  He said, "Well, even if it is, we'll find something to do, I'm sure."  So, he just went in blind, and I felt foolish for being so nervous about it.  They did see the play, though, and had a great time.

He told me yesterday on the phone that he did mention the idea about having sex with Judy, TO Judy, but didn't really get a response about it.  She is one of those people you can never play poker with.  You cannot tell what she is thinking, she keeps her face neutral all the time, and is not as reactionary about things as I am.  I wear my stupid heart on my stupid sleeve, so if you played poker with ME, I'd be in the poor house.  I'd lose every time.

So I feel somewhat flattered that Judy and I have some similarities, but I also feel rather disappointed in myself for not being as educated about theater and musicals and frugal ideals like she is.  I also wonder if she would agree to Pete's idea, and have sex with him.  My gut says "no."  But he treats her like a girlfriend.  When she was here visiting for the first time last week, he paid more attention to her than me.  He took her out and about, while I stayed home.  I told him to go have a fun birthday with her, but I was secretly preparing for his surprise birthday party and she was helping me by stalling him.  I would have rather gone along, honestly, but I didn't get the chance to.  I've seen him hold her hand, hold doors open for her, and kiss her.  He gives her massages, and even happy endings.

I have allowed him to have some freedom to explore this kind of thing, because in his life, he never really had the chance to date and play the field very much.  He just got married too young, had 3 kids, moved from place to place and job to job, divorced 21 years later, and rebounded into a farce marriage that didn't last more than a year and  a half.  He never really took the time to go out and meet new women, or date them, until he met me.  He was dating 6 women casually when we first met, and that was the first time EVER that he had been able to do so.  I told him then to go sow his wild oats awhile, and if he still felt something for me, great, come on back into my life THEN.  But he didn't listen.  He dumped all 6 of those women, for ME.  I told him he was crazy, and stupid for doing that.  I encouraged him to have female friends, I know he gets along much better with women than men (and I get along much better with MEN than women…and older people too, way more than younger).

When Pete and I got married, we promised each other that we would do the best in our ability to take care of each other, and provide each other's needs…but if there was something we COULDN'T provide in some way, we would do our best to find someone ELSE who COULD.  That is, if my blow jobs were sucky, (which they are NOT), I would find someone else who did a better job of it than me, to give him what he needs.  We talked about it for months, actually, making sure we were talking the same language, on the same page, with the same definitions of terms and conditions.  Pete offered the same thing to me as well.

The difference is….he has pursued others, while I have not.  He has enjoyed knowing other women, and having more female friends, he has enjoyed giving them massages, and playing with them on occasion on our dungeon equipment, etc., having parties and going to BDSM events too.  He has immersed himself into the lifestyle, and he loves it.  Like I said before, I have been involved with BDSM for 15 years, so despite all his enthusiasm, there is still a huge gap between us of experience.  I need more than what I've been getting in the bedroom, actually, since day one.  But I haven't pursued it from anyone else…..yet.

My gut says, "Pete is not ready for that yet."  So I have let HIM do his thing, while I just occupy my time with other stuff.  I have recently started to say things to him like, "Enjoy it now, because MY TURN IS COMING."  I have only given 2 blow jobs to 2 other men since Pete and I got married…. and yes, that sounds HORRIBLE to most vanilla people, doesn't it?!  But, Pete had given me permission to do it, so he was cool with that.  I have had sex with only 1 other guy since then too, but it was brief and not exactly thrilling.  I did mention that we have been going to a swingers club, right?!

Pete had his hall pass with my friend Julie.  She and I are like wife and wife, almost, because we have bonded so strongly as friends.  She's really an awesome person, and we get along great.  I worried a bit that letting her schtupe my hubby might change things between her and I, but it hasn't one bit.  Not at all.  In fact, it has made us even closer.  I hope to soon give HER husband a blow job…in fact, I gave him a coupon for one for Xmas!!  He was GEEKED and somewhat shy about it, but I know he'll cash it in at some point, and I'll just patiently wait for him to feel comfortable first, before it happens.  We have other friends who swing too….in fact, the 6 of us are kinda play partners.  K and F are both awesome, and they swing with Julie and her hubby on occasion.  Pete and I have just been welcomed into their tryst and so the 6 of us have played together….all except for Julie's hubby.  So far.  He often stays home with their kids while Julie goes out to meet other guys and attends the swingers club.  It takes a very special kinda guy, like I said before, to allow his wife to do these things without jealousy.

So in a way, I guess you could say the 6 of us have recently just begun to have naked fun together, so I guess maybe in Pete's minds, we already ARE "poly."  But I know for a fact that we are not.  Not in the least.  Just because we got naked with them before, and sat in a hot tub with them, and gave them massages and/or blow jobs does NOT make them our poly relationship.  They are SWINGERS.  Swinging is NOT polyamory.  Not by a long shot.  Totally different concept.  Swinging is EASY!!! Poly is HARD.  Swinging has little to no strings attached.  Poly has a HUGE commitment between those involved.  I am surprised at how many Pittsburgh people confuse those two ideas.  Don't they have GOOGLE for God's sake?! *rolling my eyeballs.

Anyway, so I'm contemplating this whole poly thing with Pete.  Am I an idiot for giving him TOO MUCH freedom?  Too MUCH encouragement?  Too MUCH permission to do these things??  Am I stupid and will I be tossed to the curb because he's bored with me and wants the next "shiny thing?" He DOES have ADHD you know.  He's hyper, and has the attention span of a gnat.

Will I end up hurt and alone after he has sex with Judy.  That is the gnawing question on my mind.  I don't think she will allow it, to be honest.  She's already told him that she respects our marriage and would never do anything to come between us, and she only agreed to play with him at the dungeon because I told her she could.

This is the 3rd weekend in a row that Pete has been with her.  Meanwhile, I am sleeping alone.

So, this is my crazy life.  I have never experienced marriage before, I've never been a wife before, I've never hung out with swingers before, and I don't know how to handle a guy like Pete when it comes to polyamory either.  I feel kinda sad about it, actually.  That he would rather have sex with her, instead of me.  I mean, I've really been missing the kind of animalistic, riled up, reckless crazy sex that I had with my previous boyfriend….but it's not the same with Pete at all.  It's rather boring sometimes, to be blunt. But I have not---thus far----sought out anyone else to fill in that void for me.

Maybe I should start looking.  I just don't think Pete could handle watching me have sex with another guy.  He has seen me give Karl the blow job, and gave me a thumbs up sign, but that's it so far.  If I actually ENJOY the sex with another man, while he's there watching, would that crush his fragile male ego?  Would he no longer like me or want to be with me?  I don't think he can handle all that stuff yet.

But I can tell you, I would LOVE to have sex with K.  He has an amazing schlong.  GRIN!!!

So I guess I'd better go for now.  I have talked your ear off once again.  It has been a long while since I have had the time to sit down and write more than a few paragraphs about important things like this. Thanks for listening.  I love having you as a captive audience!!! hehehehe

Have a great weekend, and a relaxing week BEFORE YOUR BIRTHDAY!!  I hope you have something enjoyable planned for your big day.  Sixty-FIVE years old, huh?!  Ya damned GEEZER, stop getting too old, how am I supposed to have my wicked wild way with you if you're too feeble?! I'd break you in half, ya poor slob.  Get to the gym!!  hehehehehe WINK. I'm gonna rock YOUR world some day, my friend.  That is a promise.

Love you lots.  Bye for now.

----Rebecca