Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Hi Steve,

I haven't been writing much since the cruise, I know.  But I sincerely doubt you've missed me.  In fact, I am contemplating just giving up on this whole blog thing in the new year.

There is a lot going on around here.  Today is my 5th wedding anniversary to Pete, but if things keep going the way they have been lately, it might be our last.  I am not handling polyamory very well.

So today I get to spend half the day alone with my husband, and the other half of the day we will have Sally over, (Yes, he actually asked me if it was ok for her to come over and spend the night on our anniversary…he's got some massive cahones).  At this point, I really just feel completely apathetic about just everything.

I haven't been reading much about you lately on Facebook either.  I just don't have much time, I am trying to get this huge house ready for our New Years Eve party.  (Of course, you are invited).

Pete ruined our minivan by not getting the oil changed when it was way overdue. The radiator burst, (it had no fluid), and there was not much oil left, so the engine just burned itself out.  Now he's driving MY car around, and we are in the process of finding another minivan for him.  Fun fun.

So the other night, while he and Sally were here making Christmas cookies, (which I wanted to do with him but they didn't invite me to join in and I'm certainly NOT going to ASK).  It's MY friggin' kitchen! Anyway, the other night I was hanging a garland and I was hearing bits and pieces of their conversation, noticing that he wasn't listening to what she was saying.  It burned my ass a bit, because he doesn't listen to ME either.  So I said, "Ya know Pete, sometimes it's okay to listen to somebody else about things, you're not always right…like the minivan. You didn't listen to ME at all when I said it was time for an oil change, and now it's dead and gone."

He blew up at me, yelled about how he already feels shitty about it and why do I keep rubbing his nose in it, and bringing it up so much, (I have mentioned it TWICE), and after his tirade, I felt like packing my bags and getting the fuck out of here.  But later on, (probably because Sally told him to), he came to apologize for the tirade.  I am still angry about it though.  I was using it as an EXAMPLE, to prove to him that he doesn't listen. That example is just the most RECENT one.

I came to a sad realization, that my marriage is on the skids, my mom is 66 years old and her health is not very good…and my dog is 12….once my mom and my dog die, THEN WHAT???  What am I going to do?  I will have NOTHING, and NOBODY to be with.  I'll be alone in this huge house, while Pete is out dating his other women.  I really do not look forward to that.

But while my mom and dog are here, I cannot just pick up and leave. What would THEY do?  So, at the moment, I feel stuck in a crappy situation that I am not liking one bit, and it has me ripped apart.  I'm not telling you this for a pity party.  Just wanted you to know that's why I haven't written in awhile.

Anyway, so I'll nod and smile my way through the holidays and then collapse into a heap the first week of January.  Caffeine keeps me going.

Well, have a Merry Christmas, I know this time of year is difficult for you too, missing Kellie.  I don't know who it was, but somebody posted a photo of her grave site on Facebook, and I went ballistic.  If that person was a TRUE FAN of yours, they would KNOW how private you are, and how upset that would make you.  I was highly pissed off about it.  Nothing seems to be sacred or private anymore.

Okay Steve, hang in there, and I'll try to do the same. You're not alone, though, in feeling sadness this Christmas. Believe me.  I don't know that 2015 will be much better, either.

Love you lots, xoxo

---Rebecca